Thursday, May 1, 2014

May Day.

As in distress call.

Wait- what?

It's May 1st? Oh, THAT May Day. No. But if it's May 1st, then why did I put on a heavy coat and gloves to feed the horses this morning? Oh wait. That was Laura. Why did Laura put on a ...

Never mind.

We have bigger problems.

We did everything right. We waited until Laura was far enough down the road that she wouldn't turn around if she forgot something. We picked out  Paw Patrol episode NOT entitled "Pups Save the Easter Egg Hunt", which Jay recites the lines before the characters do. We ate cereal.

Good cereal.

Still, the fog rolled in, and along with it some Bradburian circus. While I tried to delete some 6-month-old episodes of Ink Master to make room for tonight's Red Sox game, an invisible force blocked my attempts to do anything. After a bit everything froze on the screen.

Outside, the mountains disappeared. Vermont was gone. Then the ridge on the other side of Liebig Road, then our woods, then our horses...

A thick white mist moved up and over the house. I scrambled to replace the batteries in the remote. There had to be a way to turn this all off. Suddenly Jay shrieked.

The screens were black. No computer, no television. It was a two-year-old's craziest nightmare. Okay, it was this two-year-old's craziest nightmare.

I hurriedly replaced the batteries, clicked the back of the remote into place (almost breaking off the tabs that hold it in), and pointed.

I take pride in my aim, but I was shooting blanks. Nothing happened. The black maw of the 42-inch LCD screen gaped at Jay, begging him forth.

I fired again, and again. I opened the remote, and turned the batteries around so they were pointing the same way as the friggin' diagram (who has time for diagrams when something wicked this way came?). In the window, grackles and starlings danced and taunted.

I snapped the cover in place and took my best shot.

The opening screen warmed into place. Jay went from "Daddy daddy!!!!" to "Paw Patrol!"

I turned on the cable box. The only Paw Patrol episode left was the one we had been watching when the circus came to town. Nineteen other episodes: gone. Paw Patrol Easter Egg Hunt: Gone.

Wild Kratts: Gone.

Thomas the Tank Engine: gone.

Super Why, Wally Kazaam, Wonder Pets. All gone.

98% (I actually did the math) of our recordings were gone.

The circus was in town for less than five minutes, and left with our Dinosaur Train, Third and Bird, and Dora the Explorer.

Wait. Was that it?

Had they come for Dora, and all else was collateral damage? Last night, Big Red Chicken had a cake on his head. Was that a sign? Had Jay reached a magic number of re-watchings of Dora's Easter Egg Hunt?  Oh, it had to be Swiper. That nasty old fox is always trying to swipe our stuff.

We were left with four Peter Rabbits, seven Curious Georges, three Walking Deads, twenty Team Umizoomis, and one No Country For Old Men.

And NO Ink Masters.

Mission Accomplished.

Time to work on those mighty math powers. Bring it on, Team Umizoomi.

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